I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
