I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
