Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
