Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
