Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
