Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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