It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
