12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
