y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
