Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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