i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
