No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
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He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
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he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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