so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I did not marry a roomba.
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