just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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