there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
