Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
