My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
