So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
