I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
