I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
