I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
