hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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