five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
