I wish I only lived at night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
