Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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