if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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