yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
