And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
