That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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