I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
