you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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