Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
