Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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