I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
