grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
