So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
