i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
