I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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