I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
