WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
