I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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