god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
