My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Floor bacon is actually really good
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
