I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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