I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
