You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
