He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
