dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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