shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
