I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh god it's open bar.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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