I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
