she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
