You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
