be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
