You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
