Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
