So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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