I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
