PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
