i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
